So Much for Months of Fun

In my last post, I wrote about how the months ahead were going to be exciting because I had travel plans to Peru and Washington D.C. Peru was 2 weeks of fun, but my anticipation for traveling to Washington D.C. was off-base.

I imagined a different life, a different me. Somebody who would be on top of things and very productive. Instead, I'm just carrying over the same bad habits and the same negative emotions. I almost posted on my depressive feelings before I left, but I held back. The draft is still there, but I have no intentions of posting it anymore....probably because this post will also be of a dark overtone.

An hour ago, I was almost in tears over absolutely nothing. It is the nothingness that is driving me crazy. I go for years without anything to say for myself, but that's not how I remember myself. I still think I'm the person that I was in middle school and high school who did everything. Social encounters made me nervous then, but not like now. Now I hate to even answer my phone for almost anyone. I constantly feel like I should be proving myself, but that I've got nothing to give. And I know I should be happy for everyone of my friends and family members who find some measure of success in their lives, but I see their accomplishments as pools which only reflect my failures. The light that shows all my own flaws. I see myself on the outside of a growing party of successful people, that I can relate to less and less as the days pass. And it perpetuates my anxiety of talking to people. Each day I avoid somebody, this hole I've dug myself grows a little deeper. Maybe a few years ago, I would have been able to hop out. Today, I barely see the sun the hole seems so deep, but there are brief reminders to give me hope. Facebook has also become something of an oddity for me. It's filled with people I used to know, but hardly know anymore. People I barely can hold onto my memories of, and facebook is constantly reminding me of all these friendships I have let fade like dream wisps. I apparently cannot accomplish much without these people actively in my life, how can I imagine becoming more successful with a better social life (and less time for work)?

It's just one big cycle of negatives, but then I'll start to sound like a big whiner. I have so low income I really can't do much of the fun things my once friends would like to do. It's impressive what I can do with what little I make, but it can't impress anybody when they can't see me because I can't afford to be social. And who wants to brag about making pennies for money anyways.

I just cannot believe how far from everything and everyone I've become. Before college, I thought I had the world behind me to do something great with my life. Now it's just the same old nothingness every single day. Lots of goals, little progress. So much for months of fun.